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"Parenting Tips"

Teaching Respect

Jim Clark, licensed social worker and president and CEO of daniel memorial shares the methods parents can use to raise respectful children. 

The Reasons Behind Bad Behavior:

Children these days can be very vocal and very strong-willed.  Dealing with children who are angry or argumentative and exhibit back-talk can be really frustrating for parents.  The reasons for bad behaviors are as varied as the children who exhibit them, but there is a common thread.  These children are all looking for greater control in their lives and respect from their parents.

Modeling RESPECTful Behavior:

Parents should certainly maintain their authority as children do want and need boundaries. However, like most parent-child relations it often comes down to modeling. Kids really need is a model of good, respectful behavior; and that model needs to come from parents.  Use the acronym R-E-S-P-E-C-T to remember how to act.

          R  Respect Your Child and Parents: Treat your child as you want to be treated. This can hard, especially when your child is provoking you, but its important not to fall into child-like behavior such as yelling or getting frustrated and doling out overly- harsh punishments.  Instead, model respectful behavior, and your child will imitate what they see. Also, remember to show respect toward your parents and make sure your children see that.

          E  Expect Respect in Return: We teach children how to treat us.  When children are disrespectful, respond in a firm but respectful way and let them know what you will and wont accept.  For instance, it is not okay for them to interrupt you when talking, or give you back-talk. Set a standard for their behavior, with known repercussions for when that behavior is not followed and stick to it. It may be challenging at first, but be consistent.

          S  Support Your Child: Trust in your childrens ability to learn from their mistakes and dont use I told you so statements.  Ask how they can make things better next time.

          P  Positive Attitude: Remaining positive helps keep a supportive atmosphere at home.  Take time for yourself to get enough sleep and do activities you enjoy to keep yourself in a positive mindset. 

          E  Encourage a Cooling Off Period: Fighting with your child while you are both angry wont solve anything.  Respect each others space and cool off when the anger is escalating.

          C  Create Family Rules for Fighting: When everyone is calm, sit down and create a set of family rules for fighting.  It could include what each family member will do to cool down, an inspirational quote/prayer to read after everyone has cooled down, and specific ways to listen to one another.

          T  Train Your Child: take the time to show your kids how to do things on their own and give them more responsibility over time.  It may be easier and quicker for you to do a task, but training allows your child to develop life skills, gain self-confidence, and feel respected.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

It is important for parents to have realistic expectations and appropriate responses for respect issues with their children at different ages. 

·         Babies: it is never too early to begin teaching respect.  Babies are obviously too young to show respect, but when you meet their needs- changing them, feeding them and playing with regularly they learn to trust you.  This is an important foundation because respect for authority is based on trust.

·         Preschoolers: at this stage parents should model good behavior. Dont yell back at your disrespectful toddler.  Instead, show control, and your child will learn to control his/herself.  Preschoolers can be expected to say please and thank you.

·         School-Age Children: This is the age when kids love to have the last word.  Do not take the bait and keep arguing.  It will help to set limits to help your child develop inner control.  Kids respond to what they consider fair rules, so let them have a say to foster mutual respect and understanding. Remember to be consistent.

·         Teens: Show concern for your teens thoughts and listen to what they have to say to show that youre on their side.  They may push you away, but always keep the dialogue open.  Perhaps write a letter to express your thoughts and let your teen know you are anxious to hear theirs.  Ultimately though, remember that you are the authority in your home. Your teen will respect you more for setting limits and sticking to them.

For more information about other kids issues please visit danielkids.

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